Guilt

I don't feel guilt about a lot of things, but one thing I can't ever seem to shake is guilt for not going to church on Sunday morning. I'm secure in my relationship with God, but any time I contemplate not going to worship on Sunday morning, I feel like I should have some verifiable excuse for not going. Like a doctor's note.

This morning I woke up with a terrible pain in my shoulder. I've iced it, took Advil, stretched, massaged and slathered it with Icy Hot. It still hurts, and the pain is creeping into my neck. So my immediate thought is, "I should go to church. I could go to church, even though my shoulder hurts. But I don't want to. So... does my shoulder hurt bad enough that it warrants skipping church?" Well, I guess the answer is no... but all the same, I'm skipping church. And feeling guilty.

Maybe it's because I work at a church and depend on people (like myself) to support the church. It's my livelihood. If people abandon church, I need to find a new job. But I'm not really abandoning church. I'm just staying home a day.

So why the guilt? Because it's been ingrained since childhood? Because I think someone will think less of me? Because the church can't function without my presence (clearly that'snot true)? I do believe it all boils down to the expectations of others. When I'm thinking about missing church, I never - notonce - think about God judging me for that decision. I think about my parents and my friends and my co-workers and the pastors at my church... about how they all show up regardless of how they "feel" or what mood they're in.

I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling guilty for skipping worship. But today - just for today - I'm going to try to release the guilt into this blog post. And try to not think about it again. Until the next time I skip church.

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