The Quest

I need to find something new to do. I just realized it's been two months since I blogged... and that's not indicative of laziness. It's because I have nothing to say. And that's sad. Just sad. I've been watching the blogs and FB posts of my friends lately and notice this: everyone is doing something except me. Shannon moved to Massachusetts. Jim's a NASA Fellow. Jeff's moving to Dubai. Kef got a promotion. Donald and his wife had a baby. Mike's the new head coach at Frisco Centennial. Leesa's starting her own business. Kristen's going to the Ukraine. I could go on, but I won't. It's depressing. It's not that I'm not happy for them all... but it just magnifies the fact that my life is not significantly different now than it was 10 or 15 years ago. I need a new thing. Suggestions?

Every time I sit through a funeral I find myself wondering what my own will be like. (Yes, I know, that's incredibly selfish... selfishness is the cross I bear.) I sometimes think about what it would be like for me to live to an old age and die. I'll be alone. There will be no family to come to my funeral - no children or grandchildren, no nieces or nephews. My friends will be old too - if they're even around anymore. And so I have to wonder... how sad would that be? To live your whole life and have nothing to show for it? I guess the thing we consider to be a person's legacy most often is their family. What's my legacy? You could say it's your work, but that is an awfully dull thing to be known for. It could be how you treated people, but what if you outlive everyone who knows and loves you? And on the practical side of things... if you die alone - with no family - then who buries you or cremates you? Who buys your gravestone? Who scatters your ashes...

My boss's father passed away on Sunday. For most people, that would just be an event of note because it's your boss and you should care. In this case, however, we all knew him. Floyd followed Ken in his ministry. Literally. He moved here when Ken did, following his son from church to church since Floyd himself was retired. The first time I met Floyd, he told me how wonderful his son was. He said Ken was a great preacher - perhaps the best he'd ever heard. Floyd told me, though, that I'd need to work on Ken to get him to come up with sermon titles. Little did I know at that point that Floyd would become my biggest fan. Until he fell ill, Floyd came into my office at least once a week and heaped enough praise on me to make up for any frustration a job might entail. He complimented me incessantly. I could do the most simple of things, and he would rave. To be quite honest, I'm having a very hard time not being selfish about Floyd's passing. I know that he m...

I have a friend who always criticizes me. Over the time that we've known each other she's labeled me in three ways in particular that bug me: 1) I'm a negative person; 2) I'm impatient; and 3) I'm intolerant. The first time this happened it was the negative thing. That was in NO WAY how I saw myself. I have some negative friends and I never would have put myself in that category. But I decided to take that into consideration and try to be more aware of the times when I might be negative. But more recently - the impatient and intolerant thing - totally shocked me. On both counts, I'm just not seeing it. I'm hardly ever in a hurry. I always hear people out. I don't see things as black and white - but shades of gray. I'm just not coming up with proof that these characteristics describe me. So I asked someone who knows me REALLY well, and she agreed that I was not the most patient person. Ummm... oookay. I asked for examples. She couldn't c...

Someone made a comment the other day that gave me pause: "People rarely 'hear' God. So if they want to know what He has to say they should go to scripture." That's a rough translation, but you get the basic idea. It was stated as fact, but I'm not so sure I agree. Or maybe I agree with a few extra words thrown in there. Like I might agree with this statement: "People rarely try to hear God. So if they want to hear from Him, they usually go to scripture." I don't know about anyone else... but I hear God every time I try to. With very few exceptions. I can think of only a couple of times in my life when God was completely silent when I tried to hear from Him. So I asked God this morning if I'm just an exceptionally rare bird, or what. He can sometimes be really circuitous and vague, but his response was, "Everyone is different." Gee thanks. Not to be rude, but that's really not a helpful answer. Well not helpful for...

For the second weekend in a row, I've intended to do dishes, laundry and paint the bedrooms. And for the second weekend in a row, I find myself on Sunday afternoon with a sink full of dirty dishes, baskets full of dirty laundry, and no paint purchased. However, I have gotten some stuff done today. I trimmed some branches off of trees and shrubs that were growing in the wrong place last season. I transplanted the black beans and broccoli seedlings into a trough for them to keep growing. I watered all the shrubs and trees. I murdered some fire ants. I started gathering stuff for a compost pile. I watered the foundation of the house. I loved on Mable and Meg. All that before 2:00 PM. Wonder what more I could have accomplished if I hadn't stayed in bed till 11:00 AM? In all fairness, I wasn't just sleeping... I was finishing up a book. I'll have to comment on that later. By day's end, I'm afraid we'll be having a moment of silence while we flush Mikey...

I just read yet another headline about stocks falling. On CNN: Stocks tumbled Wednesday morning as a weaker-than-expected January housing report and ongoing worries about the recession ate into the previous session's rally. So my question is: What the heck is it going to take to get people to stop selling off stock? You'd think the fact that the more they sell, the more money they lose would be a motivation. Hmm. I just don't get it. But I'm no accountant that's for sure!

I'm listening to Obama's speech and what it boils down to is this: He's asking for a little ingenuity. He's asking Americans to stop being lazy and passive and resting on the accomplishments of our forefathers. He's asking for the engineers and inventors and geniuses among us to step up and give us some new technologies that will propel us into the future. And what he's offering in return is the funding to pursue these innovations. Just listening to this, it becomes clear that part of our problem is our passivity. We let someone else do the hard work. It's a generational issue. And it seems that the newer generations are going to have to become like the older generations: become hard workers who are willing to sacrifice to secure the future. I like this quote: "Dropping out of high school is no longer an option. It's not just quitting on yourself; it's quitting on your country. And this country needs and values the talents of every Amer...

My thoughts are just bouncing from one random thing to another this afternoon. I'm putting a "Thank You" note in E-News from a man whose wife just died. I'm not dealing with anything near that dramatic/traumatic, and yet I complain at any opportunity. Random thought - I cut a guy off in traffic this morning just to teach him a lesson about speeding and "crossing the double white line" when you're not supposed to. I'm sure he noted said lesson and will never do that again. Back to what I was saying... After a conversation with Armando, I find myself playing the cynic. He comes to me about trying to draw out the spiritual aspects of our activities in some way. After some conversation, I realize that this sounds strangely familiar. Like it was the "Communications Goal for 2009" that I submitted to Ken a couple of months ago. How quickly I get lost in the STUFF (nice word) that has to be done and lose all desire to pursue that goal. Arma...

I've been off work for a week... today back in the office. It was nice to be away - wonderful, in fact. I've decided I'd make a really good retired person. Over the last couple of days I've been thinking about why I don't want to be at work anymore. It's not the job. It's not really the people either (although some are more annoying than others). I think the issue is this: I used to think that my job equaled my purpose in life. As much as I enjoy it, though, it's not a reason to live. It's not ENOUGH for me. So, realizing that, I am faced with the daunting task of figuring out what my life IS about. I would say it's about relationships... but I'd venture to say that most people I know would be just fine without me. Which begs the question: Are my relationships what they should be? Probably not. What do I do about that? I have no idea. It could also be about "serving God" - but that's so trite and vague I won't even...