Criticism: Constructive or Destructive?
I have a friend who always criticizes me. Over the time that we've known each other she's labeled me in three ways in particular that bug me: 1) I'm a negative person; 2) I'm impatient; and 3) I'm intolerant. The first time this happened it was the negative thing. That was in NO WAY how I saw myself. I have some negative friends and I never would have put myself in that category. But I decided to take that into consideration and try to be more aware of the times when I might be negative.
But more recently - the impatient and intolerant thing - totally shocked me. On both counts, I'm just not seeing it. I'm hardly ever in a hurry. I always hear people out. I don't see things as black and white - but shades of gray. I'm just not coming up with proof that these characteristics describe me.
So I asked someone who knows me REALLY well, and she agreed that I was not the most patient person. Ummm... oookay. I asked for examples. She couldn't come up with any.
After mulling over all of this, I'm trying to find a perspective on criticism that will be helpful for me in dealing with this uber-critical friend. On the one hand, I can see that criticism can be constructive and helpful for self-improvement. However, I do think it can also be used by a person to tear those around them down... maybe for building themselves up? Maybe because they want everyone to be just like them? Maybe it's a control issue? I'm not sure what.
All I DO know for sure is that I don't feel good about myself when I'm around this friend. I don't like that feeling. It makes me want to abandon the friendship... because I have lots of other friends who DO make me feel good about myself. Friends who love me for who I am and appreciate the ways in which we are different.
BUT I don't want to abandon friends. I think that being friends with a variety of different people - no matter how odd you may think they are - is part of what makes life enjoyable. I am vastly different than critical-girl, but I like that. She offers a perspective that I don't get from anyone else. I'm just not sure I like her perspective on ME.
I still haven't answered the question in my mind regarding how to learn from this criticism. Maybe it will help me be more aware of how others see me. But, as my favorite quote says, "I stopped caring about what people think of me when I realized how seldom people think of anyone but themselves." It doesn't really matter what one person thinks of me if I'm being the best me I can be.
My personality may be different than yours. I may like different foods or listen to different music or spend my free time differently. But different isn't bad. And a lot of people like me, darnit!
But more recently - the impatient and intolerant thing - totally shocked me. On both counts, I'm just not seeing it. I'm hardly ever in a hurry. I always hear people out. I don't see things as black and white - but shades of gray. I'm just not coming up with proof that these characteristics describe me.
So I asked someone who knows me REALLY well, and she agreed that I was not the most patient person. Ummm... oookay. I asked for examples. She couldn't come up with any.
After mulling over all of this, I'm trying to find a perspective on criticism that will be helpful for me in dealing with this uber-critical friend. On the one hand, I can see that criticism can be constructive and helpful for self-improvement. However, I do think it can also be used by a person to tear those around them down... maybe for building themselves up? Maybe because they want everyone to be just like them? Maybe it's a control issue? I'm not sure what.
All I DO know for sure is that I don't feel good about myself when I'm around this friend. I don't like that feeling. It makes me want to abandon the friendship... because I have lots of other friends who DO make me feel good about myself. Friends who love me for who I am and appreciate the ways in which we are different.
BUT I don't want to abandon friends. I think that being friends with a variety of different people - no matter how odd you may think they are - is part of what makes life enjoyable. I am vastly different than critical-girl, but I like that. She offers a perspective that I don't get from anyone else. I'm just not sure I like her perspective on ME.
I still haven't answered the question in my mind regarding how to learn from this criticism. Maybe it will help me be more aware of how others see me. But, as my favorite quote says, "I stopped caring about what people think of me when I realized how seldom people think of anyone but themselves." It doesn't really matter what one person thinks of me if I'm being the best me I can be.
My personality may be different than yours. I may like different foods or listen to different music or spend my free time differently. But different isn't bad. And a lot of people like me, darnit!
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