The Quest

I can't even believe I haven't blogged since last October. I haven't written since I closed on my house on Halloween, dressed like a jester (Emma Willard's mascot). I haven't written since the movers came with all of my stuff just as I was recovering from a stomach bug. We've had friends' Thanksgiving at the Horn-Eldred home in Holland, and Christmas Eve in my new house, and Christmas Day at Kef's house. We've had Revels at work (a crazy, fun holiday tradition), and launched ourselves into 2020. I got into a rhythm of going to work and coming home and settling in.  In January sometime, there were news reports beginning about a new virus that had started to spread in China. This had happened before with bird flu and swine flu, and I really didn't think much of it. As time marched on, the reports became more dire. They were having to build more hospitals. What?! Since we have a large population of Chinese students, it started to become evident that...

When I wrote that title just now, I decided settle might have a bad connotation. I don't mean settle for less than the best;  I mean come to rest . So I went to thesaurus.com for some alternatives. I had to laugh out loud when one of them was "plop." A season to plop. Mmmmkay. We've just enjoyed a long visit with my parents, who decided that fall was a much better time to come to New York than Christmas. On the plus side, they came early enough that we could celebrate dad's birthday together. On the unfortunate side, the fall colors really haven't peaked yet. So they didn't get a fall color fix, even though we tried. It is, however, very definitely autumn. The temperatures are much cooler; the heater even kicked on when it got down to 37 degrees the other night. Every day when I go to work, there are new trees starting to display the tell-tale golden hues of letting go. I, too, am starting another season... one of settling in. At the end of the mo...

I was standing outside this evening, looking through the windows at the warmly-lit living area that has been the center of my home for the past few months. There is very little inside that belongs to me. The furniture isn't mine. Most of the linens and cleaning supplies and dishes aren't mine. The electricity isn't mine, nor are the walls and floors and toilets and bed. But from the outside looking in, it felt like home. There have been many times over the past few months that I've missed my "stuff." I have wished I had this thing or that. Hesitated to buy this or that, because I have a similar one in storage. I've spent a fair bit of time thinking about how I'll get my things when the time comes. And yet, as much as I've missed the trappings of my own home, it has been a little bit freeing. It's not often you're able to be liberated of almost everything but the clothes you wear. I've reflected on it many times, wondering if I reall...

I've been mulling over "ought-to's" today. You know... things you ought to do, ought to want, ought to be. I ought to get out of bed. I ought to take a shower. I ought to have a job by now. I ought to care about career goals (like titles, and making more money, and not "regressing"). I ought to read more. I ought to do more with my talents. I ought to be doing more things I love with every single day while I have time. I ought to have this transcription project done by now. I ought to walk the dogs. I ought to write a book. I ought to draw. I ought to pay more attention to my budget. I ought to be saving for retirement. I've used ought so many times it doesn't even look like a real word anymore. When I brought some of my job-related ought-to's to my sister's attention, she asked, "Why? Do any of the people in your life care about those things?" Well, no. But I ought to. When I think about some of the ought-to's on my list, I...

My, my, what to say about today. One of the most stand-out things I can tell you is that it's very disconcerting to find a skinned rat rotting just outside your patio door. I can also tell you that when flies are buzzing, it's not always dog poop. Just sayin'. Now that you have that lovely picture in your mind's eye (and I'm not showing you the actual picture that I texted to Kef in the middle of her day), try to refocus on what I have to say next. A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer in her eye. She went through a procedure to radiate that eye, which damaged the ocular nerve and left her blind in that eye. I was talking to her today and she is hanging in there like a real trouper. She's even working VBS, which I wouldn't even subject myself to with two perfectly-working eyes. Now, I know that people live thoroughly wonderful lives without sight. But I have to tell you that it has always been one of my greatest fears that I would go blind....

It's hard to believe that my first winter in New York is about over. I feel sure there will be another cold snap or two, but mostly I think it's over. There is no snow on the ground, today is about 70 degrees, and the trees in the yard are thinking seriously about leafing out. In some ways, I feel that life has been in a bit of a winter hibernation as well. Because I didn't find my fit in a new job before winter set in, it feels like I've been holding out, waiting to bloom too. I'm anxious - not nervous, but anticipating with great excitement - to see what will be next. There have been a few possibilities pop up, and one in particular still simmering. I feel that it's seriously thinking about leafing out too, but it's not ready quite yet. I'm trying not to rush it. You can't force a flower open, or a leaf from a branch. You just have to wait. In some ways, I think I'm very good at waiting. I have a lot of great hobbies and things to keep me b...

This morning I was going through my daily ritual of Facebook scrolling, checking emails, and perusing job opportunities. A few things vied for my attention... The constant drip-drip of snow melting. The soaking-wet dog laying in the rain, then running through the house. A posting for Director of Marketing and Communications at Catholic Charities of the Diocese of Albany. A new blog from Dr. Cindy Ryan - " Peaceful Butterflies ." A reminder to read today's devotional in my current reading plan entitled, "Where You're From, Where You're Going." --- I love butterflies. I have ever since I went on my Chrysalis in 1990. The rainbow-colored butterfly on my De Colores t-shirt represented new life. Each spring and summer in Texas, my Vytex would light up with fragrant blooms, and the butterflies came running (err... flitting). Until reading Cindy's post, however, I had never connected that beautiful image of transformation with the nervous "butt...

As our home begins to fill with Christmas trees and puzzles and Chex Mix, a new season dawns. That means something a little different to me this year. It's not just a holiday season... it's a life season. I had a job interview on Tuesday. When I woke up, it was snowing. If you know me well, you may know that translates to anxiety. I have always been afraid of driving in snow and ice. So, in addition to the nerves an interview evokes, there was additional trepidation over the drive. It all turned out fine, of course. The snow was wet and there was no ice. The roads were clear and I actually arrived in the area of my interview about 15 minutes early. The interview went well as far as I could tell. The whole experience served to remind me how much angst is self-generated. We worry over things that simply aren't as bad as our minds inflate them to be. Later in the week, as I was endlessly shifting Christmas ornaments on the two trees in the front windows, a question forme...

I've found that changing your own mind can be challenging. This morning, I was to take Roxy to day camp and then I planned to go to the DMV to become an official New York resident (i.e. get my plates and license changed). I pondered whether I should take my car or Kef's, because mine is not 4-wheel-drive. I pondered whether there would be a line at the DMV. I figured there wouldn't be because the "weather is bad." As I was driving away from the house, two things struck me: The weather is not bad... to them. If I were still in Texas and had this weather, everyone would be holed up in their houses. Waiting. Here, this is perfectly normal and actually quite pleasant. It's currently not snowing. No precipitation coming down at all, actually. So... it's just another day. Not a bad weather day. Therefore, anyone and everyone could be out and about... just like any other day.  There are thousands of people driving cars around here that are 2-wheel-drive. Plu...

This morning when Kef asked me what I was going to do today, my response surprised me. Well, the response didn't surprise as much as the tone. I said simply, "I don't know!" And the tone was not one of excitement and possibilities, but one of despair. Oh no! Yesterday, I had a great breakfast with the owner of a local design firm, whom I had met at a PRSA event (Public Relations Society of America). I've never really had much time to network, nor have I really relished doing so. But this connection was a great one, and I really enjoyed our conversation. She gave me much food for thought regarding my next steps. One thing I realized in talking to Kelly was that my thoughts and trepidations about freelancing are on point. That is, unless you want to spend as much time doing business development as you spend doing what you love, possibly "on your own" is not the place to be. Also, she described the challenges she faced when going out on your own: would...

The first week of unemployment, I spent driving. The second week of unemployment, I spent entertaining my parents before they headed back to Texas. The third week of unemployment, so far... I have returned my router. Exchanged ceiling fan rods. Shopped for greeting cards. Read a funny little book called "All My Friends Are Dead." Written thank-you notes (I promise they will be in the mail soon). Washed sheets (thanks to Meg for standing up from her nap and immediately squatting on Kef's bed). Played games on my phone. Picked up poop of all sizes. Deposited checks. Compared calendars with Kef. Changed my address on things. Applied for jobs (and read about lots of jobs I don't want). Entertained dogs while electricians worked. Spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out how to turn Kef's TV on. Pondered how it's possible that I'm on week three. What I haven't done is spend much time really exploring my new-found freedom. I haven't...

Late last year, I mentioned to a friend that she should consider blogging. She always posts hilarious stories to Facebook, and often provides her writings to the church for the Spiritual Formation Blog ( www.fumcg.org/quiet ). A week or so ago, she took me up on my offer to help her get started. We met for lunch, set up her new blog, and off she went (at mvmesses.blogspot.com ). In the process, though, I realized that I hadn't written in my own blog in a year! I started a new blog this year... a travel blog because I've been doing so much running around. But even that didn't keep me faithful. I blogged through England, then Latvia... but failed to blog a spectacular long weekend to the northeast, and a few other here-and-there trips. Each time I let months or years pass without blogging, I feel the loss of it. I'm disappointed that I haven't shared all the things I learned and have now forgotten. If I'd written about them, I would now have them permanently....

With all that is going on in the world that seems unfair to me, it is difficult for me to feel HOPEful when I feel HELPless. I feel very limited in my options to do anything in response to the wrongs I see happening. I talk to the TV, which is pointless. I express my opinions to those who are willing to hear, yet the ones who I wish would hear are not listening. Last night at Bible study, John was explaining to us about struggling with scripture. He said something like, "When we start to struggle with scripture, that's when we begin to grow." Someone said, "Yes, but it seems like there's never resolution... you never find the answers." He replied with, "It's not the answer that grows you; it's the struggle." (conversation paraphrased) Since that conversation, I've been mulling over the "struggle." It's a struggle to understand the perspective of others who don't agree with you. It's a struggle to remain hopeful...

How is it that a year can pass with little or no thought? My busy, busy job makes my mind swim at times. So when I'm not at work, I feel the need for blankness. Absence of thought or purpose. Time passing without fanfare. When I look at my blog, I feel a great loss. The year that's passed has been an amazing one, and yet my absence of thought is greatly apparent on my blog. Some might think my blank blog is evidence that I don't have thoughts or experiences to share. Nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, I've had a great number of experience in the past year. And I've had some time for reflection too. I spent a good bit of time after I returned from Latvia getting involved in our ministries there. Planning, communicating, meeting and sharing. I went to Tennessee for the Friends of Latvia meeting, and became the FOL Secretary. I built a website and implemented an electronic news platform. I had a great struggle in June as I turned 40 and tried to...

I've just finished reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman for the next gathering of the Novel Ideas Meetup. The first meetup and the subsequent reading of this book has made me realize some things about myself. I love to read. I read a lot. But I'm not an avid reader. I'm not a bibliophile. I pay precious little attention to the names of authors, books, genres and such. In short, I'm not a reading fanatic. But I'm a fan of reading. I had no idea who Neil Gaiman was when I started reading this book (or when I finished the book part of it). In the e-edition, the contents of his online journal are included. It shares his perspective on the editing process. It wasn't until I read the journal that I knew he  was somebody  (i.e. not a first-timer). In the journal, he refers to lots of authors who are obviously supposed to be known to the reader. The only name I recognized was Stephen King... and that not because of reading his books, but because of his pop icon status...

I was just catching up on some of the blogs I've missed... perusing AliseWrite's weekly "Stuff I've Been Reading" and lo and behold I found myself. The first one listed this week was a post called "The Body I Have" by a blogger I've never read before, Dani Kelley . As I read her post, her "About Me" and some of her other blog entries... I was amazed at how much of myself I saw in her! She's ten years younger than me. I found myself wishing I'd practiced a little introspection way back then. I might be a different person today. Who knows. But I'm glad I've stumbled upon this young lady. And I'm glad I have finally learned some of the lessons she's blogging about. Better late than never. By the way, I share her desire to write more. I've said this every year: I'm going to write more this year. I am. I really am. Seriously. Quit laughing.

I haven't watched many movies lately. It's a cold, overcast day outside... and I saw Billy Crystal talking about the 25th anniversary of The Princess Bride last night... so I decided to pull out The Princess Bride and watch it at least once today. To my horror, when I opened up my movie cabinet, everything was out of order! Not sure how that happened... but now that I've rectified the situation, I'm wondering... what does your movie library say about you? Me? I think mine says I like happy endings. Most of the time. Here's my library... what movie(s) should I add? A Mighty Wind Alex & Emma The Day After Tomorrow Down With Love Elf Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Failure to Launch Fern Gully Fifty First Dates Glee (Season 1) Hairspray He Said, She Said Hitch The Holiday Just Like Heaven IQ The Lake House The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Love Actually Lucky Seven Matchmaker Mona Lisa Smile Moulin Rou...

Obesity. This particular issue is something that hits close to home for me. Not only have I been overweight all my life, but many of my family members and friends are as well. As I look back on my life, I can point to several instances in which I was insulted for my weight. I have often been told that I would be happier and healthier if I was thin. And there's no shortage of messages that tell me (and everyone else in the world) that fat is bad and thin is good. But in reality, fat is just a description, not an indictment. I'm brunette, with blueish eyes, and lots of fat. Recently, I have become aware of a group of people called "Fat Activists" who are working hard to convince the world that fat is okay... That fat people are people too... That "declaring war" on obesity is declaring war on actual people. It's the new [old] discrimination. In fact, it's one of the few ways in which the general population thinks it's okay to discriminate. Some...

"Mawage. Mawage is what bwings us togevah today...." Okay so maybe no one else finds a Princess Bride  quote appropriate. But... marriage is what has brought me to this blog today. I'm going to try to make this one short and sweet. Republicans: "We believe that... marriage, the union of one man and one woman must be upheld as the national standard." Democrats:  "We support the full inclusion of all families, including same-sex couples, in the life of our nation, and support equal responsibility, benefits, and protections." There's no question where the political parties stand on gay marriage.  There is some question as to where Christians stand. I know a lot of Christians who support gay rights. And I know even more  who don't. This one... I don't really even have to think about because I already know what I think (and you probably do too). Here's why I support gay marriage: Christian marriage is supposed to be about one pe...

One of the tenets of the RNC platform is an embrace of American Exceptionalism. American exceptionalism is the belief that the United States is different from other countries in that it has a specific world mission to spread liberty and democracy. There is quite a lot in the RNC platform statement on this point... it covers everything from fighting wars to supporting veterans to being involved in human rights issues around the globe. When I first heard that American Exceptionalism was a tenet of the RNC platform, I balked. Why? Because I think many people in the United States think they are better than everyone else in the world... and this belief is rooted in exceptionalism. ( Read more about the concept... ) We are better because we are the experts on democracy and liberty and everyone should just do everything our way. It is this belief that drives us to invade other countries for the presumed purpose of freeing them from evil dictators... whether they want to be freed or not. ...