Mood Swings
This morning when Kef asked me what I was going to do today, my response surprised me. Well, the response didn't surprise as much as the tone. I said simply, "I don't know!" And the tone was not one of excitement and possibilities, but one of despair. Oh no!
Yesterday, I had a great breakfast with the owner of a local design firm, whom I had met at a PRSA event (Public Relations Society of America). I've never really had much time to network, nor have I really relished doing so. But this connection was a great one, and I really enjoyed our conversation. She gave me much food for thought regarding my next steps.
One thing I realized in talking to Kelly was that my thoughts and trepidations about freelancing are on point. That is, unless you want to spend as much time doing business development as you spend doing what you love, possibly "on your own" is not the place to be. Also, she described the challenges she faced when going out on your own: would you rather deal with financial insecurity or office politics? For her, the answer was financial insecurity. For me, the answer is office politics (I'm pretty good at it).
We also talked a lot about breaking in to the tight-knit professional community that is Albany. If you didn't grow up here, go to school here, and stay here... you're in the minority. So you have to figure out a way to connect to the right people in a way that somehow breaches that fabric.
With that great meeting yesterday, why would I feel despair today? I think it boils down to this: I haven't received a single request for an interview from all of the applications I've submitted. If I'm cut out for an organizational role rather than freelancing (whether that be in communications or genealogy or something else)…. then my "What am I doing today?" answer has to be "Looking for a job." And when I was asked that question, I'd just spent the last half hour looking at job descriptions that either don't fit me or are located in a place I don't want to be.
When I look at things objectively, I know that I'm still in a good place. I had given myself a year (in my mind) to get out of Kef's house. Which means, I gave myself a year to reach a new normal. We're about two and a half months in. I know that I should be going out and doing things I love, rather than lamenting that I don't have a job. I know that I won't have this opportunity again (most likely) until retirement, so I should make the most of it. I know I should still feel excited about the possibilities before me. And sometimes I do really feel good and excited and positive. Then, the swing. I feel afraid and discouraged and anxious and desperate.
The reality is, I have lots of things to do today. I have a family tree to finish, and others waiting in the wings. I have a graphic to create for a women's retreat. I have books on genealogy best practices to read and absorb. I am behind on a mini-course I'm doing about figuring out what you really want to do next with your career. I also need to do laundry. I have some really good answers for "What are you going to do today?" and none of them involve despair. And yet... the feels are the feels.
Yesterday, I had a great breakfast with the owner of a local design firm, whom I had met at a PRSA event (Public Relations Society of America). I've never really had much time to network, nor have I really relished doing so. But this connection was a great one, and I really enjoyed our conversation. She gave me much food for thought regarding my next steps.
One thing I realized in talking to Kelly was that my thoughts and trepidations about freelancing are on point. That is, unless you want to spend as much time doing business development as you spend doing what you love, possibly "on your own" is not the place to be. Also, she described the challenges she faced when going out on your own: would you rather deal with financial insecurity or office politics? For her, the answer was financial insecurity. For me, the answer is office politics (I'm pretty good at it).
We also talked a lot about breaking in to the tight-knit professional community that is Albany. If you didn't grow up here, go to school here, and stay here... you're in the minority. So you have to figure out a way to connect to the right people in a way that somehow breaches that fabric.
With that great meeting yesterday, why would I feel despair today? I think it boils down to this: I haven't received a single request for an interview from all of the applications I've submitted. If I'm cut out for an organizational role rather than freelancing (whether that be in communications or genealogy or something else)…. then my "What am I doing today?" answer has to be "Looking for a job." And when I was asked that question, I'd just spent the last half hour looking at job descriptions that either don't fit me or are located in a place I don't want to be.
When I look at things objectively, I know that I'm still in a good place. I had given myself a year (in my mind) to get out of Kef's house. Which means, I gave myself a year to reach a new normal. We're about two and a half months in. I know that I should be going out and doing things I love, rather than lamenting that I don't have a job. I know that I won't have this opportunity again (most likely) until retirement, so I should make the most of it. I know I should still feel excited about the possibilities before me. And sometimes I do really feel good and excited and positive. Then, the swing. I feel afraid and discouraged and anxious and desperate.
The reality is, I have lots of things to do today. I have a family tree to finish, and others waiting in the wings. I have a graphic to create for a women's retreat. I have books on genealogy best practices to read and absorb. I am behind on a mini-course I'm doing about figuring out what you really want to do next with your career. I also need to do laundry. I have some really good answers for "What are you going to do today?" and none of them involve despair. And yet... the feels are the feels.
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