Ought-To
I've been mulling over "ought-to's" today. You know... things you ought to do, ought to want, ought to be. I ought to get out of bed. I ought to take a shower. I ought to have a job by now. I ought to care about career goals (like titles, and making more money, and not "regressing"). I ought to read more. I ought to do more with my talents. I ought to be doing more things I love with every single day while I have time. I ought to have this transcription project done by now. I ought to walk the dogs. I ought to write a book. I ought to draw. I ought to pay more attention to my budget. I ought to be saving for retirement. I've used ought so many times it doesn't even look like a real word anymore.
When I brought some of my job-related ought-to's to my sister's attention, she asked, "Why? Do any of the people in your life care about those things?" Well, no. But I ought to.
When I think about some of the ought-to's on my list, I really want to do them. Others of them make me cringe at the thought. Still others are things that I think most people would agree, you ought to do.
The problem with ought-to is that it's all based on someone outside of yourself. Basically, ought to means, "This is my understanding of what other people think I should be or do."
I heard a counselor once say something like, "Quit shoulding on yourself." It's a funny play on a word that my mom would purse her lips if I said, but you get the idea. Don't pile crap on yourself. (Mom doesn't like that word either.)
There's a years-old article on the Psychology Today website that says, "When our actual self does not match our ought self, we typically feel agitated, guilty, distressed, and anxious." No kidding. That same article says that the more your ought self differs from your actual self, the more likely you are to procrastinate. Well, isn't that interesting? If who you actually are is very different from who you think others want you to be, you're more likely to put off action. I can see how that would be. After all, why would I be motivated to accomplish something that is someone else's goal and not my own?
That article also says that the better way is "authentically living our lives in a way where we identify with our tasks in relation to our values and goals." Basically, be real with yourself and live for your own goals, not someone else's. (read the full article here)
I think, though, that I've spent so much of my life creating goals around what I "ought" to do, that I'm not sure what's my own. What's my goal? What do I value?
You'd think at mid-life I would have those answers down pat. But I still question myself on these points. I think I know, but then I fall back into "shoulding" on myself. Maybe today's the day to refocus. Well, tomorrow maybe. Today it's time to go to bed.
When I brought some of my job-related ought-to's to my sister's attention, she asked, "Why? Do any of the people in your life care about those things?" Well, no. But I ought to.
When I think about some of the ought-to's on my list, I really want to do them. Others of them make me cringe at the thought. Still others are things that I think most people would agree, you ought to do.
The problem with ought-to is that it's all based on someone outside of yourself. Basically, ought to means, "This is my understanding of what other people think I should be or do."
I heard a counselor once say something like, "Quit shoulding on yourself." It's a funny play on a word that my mom would purse her lips if I said, but you get the idea. Don't pile crap on yourself. (Mom doesn't like that word either.)
There's a years-old article on the Psychology Today website that says, "When our actual self does not match our ought self, we typically feel agitated, guilty, distressed, and anxious." No kidding. That same article says that the more your ought self differs from your actual self, the more likely you are to procrastinate. Well, isn't that interesting? If who you actually are is very different from who you think others want you to be, you're more likely to put off action. I can see how that would be. After all, why would I be motivated to accomplish something that is someone else's goal and not my own?
That article also says that the better way is "authentically living our lives in a way where we identify with our tasks in relation to our values and goals." Basically, be real with yourself and live for your own goals, not someone else's. (read the full article here)
I think, though, that I've spent so much of my life creating goals around what I "ought" to do, that I'm not sure what's my own. What's my goal? What do I value?
You'd think at mid-life I would have those answers down pat. But I still question myself on these points. I think I know, but then I fall back into "shoulding" on myself. Maybe today's the day to refocus. Well, tomorrow maybe. Today it's time to go to bed.
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